‘You 100% have REDs’

Oh, shit.

This is what I was told when I visited a Sports Doctor recently and opened up about EVERYTHING. My training load, my diet, my mental health and my (lack of) menstrual cycle. Was it a shock? To be honest, no. But was it still scary? Absolutely.

I have known something wasn’t quite right for a while. Since May 2017 I have had a grand total of 3 natural period cycles. My periods returned for a short time last summer when I was injured but apart from one very light day in November, they have completely disappeared. Now don’t get me wrong, I totally get the idea of not having a period sounds great – no bloating, no pain, no feeling uncomfortable, but unfortunately for females, periods are so so so important, and without them you can really be putting your health at risk.

I am going to be sharing my recovery journey with you. As always I am going to be brutally honest. I have no doubt this is going to be tough, but I hope that in sharing my story it will not only raise awareness, but hopefully if any of you are going through this too, it will help you with your own recovery.

So, here’s to getting my periods back, to getting my body working normally again, to being happy & healthy, and to becoming the best athlete I can be.

In this post I am going to give an overview of what REDs is, my own experience & where you can seek help if you need it.

And just to confirm, I am not in any way qualified to diagnose or offer professional advice. If you are at all concerned about yourself, or a friend or family member please seek professional help by either making an appointment with your GP, a Sports Doctor or a dietician that specialises in working with Athletes.

For more information & resources you can also visit the fantastic Train Brave website by clicking here. 

What is RED-S?

RED-S stands for ‘Relative Energy Deficiency Syndrome’ – This was previously known as the ‘Female Athlete Triad’ 

In really simple terms, it basically means you are not giving your body the calories it needs to function properly. But this doesn’t always mean you are starving yourself. I eat a lot of food, but compared to the amount of exercise I do, it is obviously not enough for the rest of my body to keep working properly.

The diagram below shows the various risks that can be associated with RED-S. But please remember, even if you don’t have every single one on the list, it doesn’t mean you don’t have the condition.

It is also important to note here that RED-S can affect both female AND male athletes, but it is somewhat easier to first diagnose in females as one of the biggest warning signs is a lack of periods.

 

Warning Signs

I have taken these directly from the Train Brave website, again if you have any of these signs please do not ignore them & seek professional advice.

Physiological

• Lack of three consecutive periods in females or a change to a previously regular menstrual cycle
• Decline in morning erectile function in male athletes
• Poor development of muscle mass
• Difficulties staying warm in the winter and cool in the summer months
• Downy growth of hair all over the body
• Constipation or feeling bloated

Behavioural

• Pre-occupation and constantly talking about food
• Poor sleep patterns
• Restricting or strict control of food intake
• Overtraining or difficulties taking rest days

Psychological

• Irrational behaviour
• Fear of food and weight restoration
• Severe anxiety
• Becoming withdrawn and reclusive

Performance

• Poor recovery between training sessions
• Digestive issues –athletes often become constipated and bloated
• Recurrent injuries, including stress fractures

 

My Experience

As I said, you do not need to have every single sign or symptom to be affected with this, I certainly don’t, but there are quite a few on the lists I can tick off, including;

• Lack of periods
• Difficulty in controlling body temperature
• Constipation & Bloating
• Poor Sleep patterns
• Restricting & control over food intake
• Fear of gaining weight

And here are some other fun ones that I can also add to the list which I am sure are down to hormonal imbalances (I’ll warn you, they aren’t pretty!) 

• Irregular bowel movements (similar to IBS)
• Night sweats
• Binge Eating (due to restricting & guilt around food) 

I feel very fortunate that up until this point, I have not suffered any serious injuries, but I know this if I continue down this road, I wont always be this lucky. As a runner, one of my biggest fears is getting a stress fracture, and this is one of the biggest risks if your body is not producing the hormones needed to keep your bones strong & healthy (so if you hadn’t realised, periods are SO much more than just about having babies!) 

Next Steps

My diagnosis is technically unofficial, so the next steps for me is to get various blood & hormone tests to really get an understanding of what is going on inside my body.

We are very fortunate to have the NHS in the UK, and I have already got my follow up appointment booked to go through by blood results in two weeks time. And after that? I am not so sure. Depending on the results I may then be referred for a DEXA Scan (to check my bone health & density) which personally I am really going to try and push for.

In the mean time, I have been advised that I need to eat more. A lot more. Now I know this sounds like the dream, but it’s not as fun as it sounds. More food = more calories = gaining weight.

This is going to be a whole other step to my recovery, and something I am also going to be seeking professional help for. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with the actual eating side of things, I bloody love my food. But the guilt that comes after, and the idea of gaining weight and my body changing is something I don’t quite know how to accept yet. BUT I am determined that I am going to get better. I love running so much & I want it to be part of my life for as long as possible, and unless I start looking after myself properly, that is not going to happen.

So, there we go! I have no idea when my next update will be (or what it will be!) but heres hoping it will be a good one!

Jordan xxx

This week was definitely a little more exciting than my average week, highlights include running with a GB Ultra Runner, my first XC race with Herne Hill Harriers & putting my pacing skills to the test at the first ever Olympic Park Half Marathon!

Week 5 – WC 4th February 2019

Monday

AM – Easy/Recovery 3 Miles

PM – Steady 7 Miles

Gym – Strength Training 

I always get asked a lot what is one of the most important things about marathon training. I think people often get surprised by my answer… Consistency. So yes, these sessions might not be the most exciting, but its working. It sets me up for the week, the easy run in the morning shakes out any hard weekend runs and I genuinely enjoy getting a good gym session in before I crack on with work and life admin!

So my best advice, find a routine that works for you and your life – and stick with it!

Tuesday

PM – Club Session

Urgh. I wish I could say this session went well, but it was horrible. Why? Because I was a greedy pig and decided to stuff my dinner down me BEFORE my evening session. During the warm up I realised this was a big mistake, I felt bloated, heavy and my stomach was churning like a washing machine. The most annoying thing though was that my legs actually felt great and if I hadn’t messed up my food I would have really enjoyed it! The session was 8 x 3 minute efforts with 60s recoveries. I basically wanted to quit after the 1st one and got progressively slower as I was trying not to be sick in between reps – just keeping it real 😉

I got really frustrated on the way home as this was the 2nd week in a row my club night went tits up. These sessions are really important to me, and when they go well it always gives me a massive confidence boost, so similarly when they don’t go well, it just makes me feel a bit pants! As always though I was probably just being way too hard on myself, as my friend pointed out I did get a 10k PB only two days before, but thats me – always quick to forget the good stuff and focus on the bad! This is definitely something I need to work

Wednesday 

AM – Easy 6 miles 

So I did something a little different today – no #doubledayz for me, but instead I hopped onto a train and ventured out of the city to the COUNTRY SIDE! I was really excited to be spending the day with Redbull UK, GB Ultra Runner Tom Evans and some other legends from the ‘gram!

We got the train down to Sussex and headed to Tom’s house to meet him and the rest of the team and we were greeted with tea, coffee & a breakfast buffet all put on by his lovely Mum (I almost felt guilty I had already eaten and couldn’t make the most of it!) Tom then gave us a quick presentation, which included talking about his epic CCC win, his average training week & also his plans for this year (which are pretty bloody exciting btw!). Then soon enough it was time for the fun part – running, and we didn’t have to travel far.. we literally ran around Toms back garden, which just happened to be miles of beautiful trails – Not. Jealous. At. All! It’s been a long time since I ran the trails and just really enjoyed running with no pressure on time, pace or distance, its definitely something I want to do more of in the summer!

After a nice muddy run, it was time to clean up and head for some food and then a quick gym session where we went through some basic strengthening & mobility exercises, and finished off with a nice stretch before jumping on the train back to the city.

Normally I completely freak out about missing a run on my plan, and usually on a Wednesday I run twice, but by the time I got home (after missing our original train!) I was knackered, so I made the decision not to head back out. Now I know I said earlier that consistency is key, but so is listening to your body and accepting that sometimes things don’t always go to plan!

Thursday 

PM – Club Session (Hills)

Gym – Strength Training 

I was determined that tonights session was going to go well, after messing up my last couple of club sessions I really wanted to have a good one as a confidence boost! I didn’t want to make the same mistake again with eating too much so I had my lunch as usual and then an hour or so before I had a banana with some peanut butter and a red bull, and it certainly seemed to do the trick!

The hill session was a tough one, it was short, but that isn’t always a good thing! In fact normally the shorter the reps & sessions… the harder it is! The session was 4 x Hill Reps, with the main difference being you had to run hard up AND down. Say Whaaaaaaaaaaat! No recovery what so ever, this was pure evil! The hill was around 300m and it was bloody horrible. but I felt strong and actually quite enjoyed running fast down hill…. and the good news is I have the perfect race to practice this on next week!

Friday  

REST DAY 

Repeat after me, rest day is the best daaaaaaaaaaay!

Saturday

Surrey League XC (5 miles)

Ahhhh… This was such a fun day! My first official race for my new club Herne Hill Harriers and it did not disappoint. It was great to have such a good turnout for our club, and as a team we did really well, with 5 of us finishing in the Top 16 (and I even managed to come 7th!)

If I am completely honest, I would choose a flat road race over XC any time, I always get a little nervous before, but always end up enjoying it. Unfortunately it is coming to the end of the XC season, but there are still a couple of races left, including a big team trip up to Leeds at the end of Feb, although I think everyone is more excited for the night out afterwards!

Sunday

Run Through Olympic Park Half Marathon

I had been looking forward to this race for a while, not because I was racing or going for a PB, but because I was having my first attempt at (unofficially) pacing a 1.30 half marathon in preparation for Limassol Half next month!

I headed to the Olympic Park a little earlier then I usually would as I wanted to get a few extra miles in (and also check out the course)  before the race. One thing I love about the RunThrough events is how well organised they are, and the races at the Olympic Park are no exception – it was well signposted, lots of marshalls & volunteers helping to direct, and also a nice big cafe to hide in and keep warm at the start! Another thing I love about these races is how many familiar, smiley faces you always see!

The course was, um, interesting! It certainly wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be when I first saw the course map, but there were a lot of twist and turns, and also who knew their were so many hills in East London!? If I was racing this or going for a PB, I probably wouldn’t have been a big fan, but it was definitely a good course to test yourself on, and I personally really liked that you could always see runners on the course, I saw loads of friendly faces whilst I was running around!

The miles ticked by nicely, which was helped by having the company of Alex (@quinnphysio) for the first half – before he then sped off and ran a quicker second half and left me! But I was feeling good, the pace felt comfortable and I was managing to keep it pretty consistent. My only little moan about today was that the mile markers between 10-11 were waaaaaay out, which can be a real pain when you are trying to pace. Luckily, I decided to just trust my watch and stick to the pace I knew I was doing and thankfully the course evened itself out as we approached the final mile.

As my watch buzzed 13 miles I realised I had achieved my goal of sneaking in just under the 1.30 mark, as I was on my own I couldn’t help but pick up the pace a little bit for a sprint finish (obvz) My final time according to Strava was 1.29.48, I’ll take that – also, guess which numpty forgot to take the timing chip out of the envelope, whoops! Good job it wasn’t a race I wanted to PB at!

So overall, it was a pretty good week! 57 miles in the bank with some quality sessions fitted in too. I definitely don’t feel as exhausted as I have over the last few weeks, my mileage has been slightly lower, but I am also hoping that it means my body is starting to adapt to all this training?! 5 weeks down already, 11 more to go!

Jordan xx

 

 

 

 

 

Well this came around quickly, my first goal race of 2019! This was the first time I had taken part in the Winter Run 10k, and after getting serious FOMO in previous years I was so excited to be taking part in the event. For me personally, I always get extra excited (and nervous) about races in London – maybe its because they just always feel bigger, or the fact that the city almost goes into shutdown mode for a few hours and you get to run around the empty streets without the worry of getting hit by a bus!

I had made no secret that I wanted a PB at this event, and up until a few days before I was feeling really good about it. Last week was a bit of an up and down one for me, and on Saturday I had a big wobble, I emptied my thoughts into a blog post, which you can read by clicking here.  But anyway, back to the positives… soon enough it was race morning, and time to see if the last few weeks of hard training had paid off!

Charlie (@whatcharlierannext) arrived at my house the night before as we were heading to the race together. We woke up early and I made my standard pre race/run breakfast (Oats with peanut butter & blueberries with a large black coffee – works every time!) before we headed out in the FREEZING cold to get to the start line (and I am not even being dramatic, it was actually freezing!) 

We arrived at Trafalgar Square with plenty of time (I always like arriving early!) and headed straight to the toilets for what would be the first of many visits that morning (standard) Now I know this isn’t the most exciting subject, but its an important one.. I was super impressed with how many toilets their were, I was a bit worried that due to how large the event was I would have to queue loads but this wasn’t an issue at all! I think because of the staggered start times it just meant there was a nice steady flow of people throughout the morning rather than approx 20,000+ people all arriving at once. Anyway, enough toilet chat..

Soon enough it was time to strip off the layers and get ready to head to the start line. This is where I underestimated how busy the event was! Because it was so cold I probably left it a little too late to drop my bags off and head to the start zone, I naively thought it would be okay and I would be able to squeeze my way through to the front, but unfortunately this wasn’t the case. I darted my way through a few thousand people but still ended up being pretty far back. Now this isn’t a huge issue as its all done via chip time, but as I was going for a PB I didn’t want to have to worry about trying to navigate around people.  I crossed the line after around 2 minutes, which doesn’t sound like a lot, but it meant I already had a few thousand runners in front of me that I had to try and get past. This is perhaps my only slight negative of the race. When you sign up you get allocated a start zone based on your predicted time, but this isn’t something that is enforced on the day, so effectively you could start wherever you want. Now without trying to sound like a bit of a dick, it can be really frustrating when you are trying to run for a time and getting caught up behind slower runners, and not even that, it can actually be quite dangerous if you are not running around a similar pace to other runners around you. I spent the first mile trying to dodge in between people, running up on the pavements – it was exhausting! And it also effected my pace massively. My watch buzzed after the first mile, I looked down and realised I was about 25 seconds behind the pace I needed to be to get my goal time! CRAP! For a few seconds I threw a bit of a strop as I thought it would be impossible to make up that time, but luckily the crowds had thinned out a bit so I was able to pick up the pace.

Once I settled into my pace I was feeling good, I had still given up on the idea of getting my goal time, but I thought as long as I kept the pace I was doing I might just be able to scrape a PB.

It was such a beautiful day in London, it was definitely on the chilly side, but the sky was clear and the sun was shining – it actually ended up being pretty perfect race conditions (for me anyway!)  I was trying not to look at my watch too much, from experience I know that GPS can be a bit all over the place when running through London, so I just tried to focus on running hard, chasing people that were in front of me, and not letting anyone over take me… and it seemed to be working!

A phrase I use a lot to explain how hard runs should feel is that you should feel ‘comfortably uncomfortable’ and that would pretty much sum how how I felt for the majority of the race on Sunday. I was pushing hard, there was no doubt about it, but I felt in control, which is so so important in any race or longer distance event.

During those middle few miles, the course was a lot quieter in terms of support, but once we were heading back to Trafalgar Square and the finish line the crowds certainly got larger, and a lot louder! And on this note, I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone who comes out to support these events – whether its because you have friends or family running, or maybe you just fancied doing something a bit different on your Sunday morning, I can’t explain how much it helps and motivates you during a race!

As I was approaching the last 1/2 a mile, I clocked my watch… after some quick mental maths I was in shock, I was still within reach of my sub 37 goal! After my dodgy start I had given up all hope of this, but now I could see the seconds ticking away on my watch it gave me that extra push I needed – it was time to dig deep!

As I turned the corner onto the finish, my watch buzzed for the 6th mile, and that was it, I had 0.2 miles to do and just over 1 minute to do it. I honestly don’t think I have ever ran so hard in my life. I just couldn’t let myself be so close and not do it – I literally felt like I was flying down the finish straight! The crowds at this point were incredible, and their cheers literally gave me goosebumps as I approached the finish. I crossed the line, stopped my watch and looked down to see the screen  – I had done it!!

My official time was 36.51 – a 40 second PB! My watch also recorded that I got my official fastest 5km PB of 17.54 during the run as well (my watch didn’t class my official PB of 17.47 as 5km)  I couldn’t believe it – how had I managed to get that close to my PB in a 10km race?!

I collected my medal & other finish goodies and started the looooooong walk back to bag drop! I was buzzing, and considering how cold it was, that wasn’t even bothering me!

A lot of members from PMGCoaching were also taking part in the run, and I was so excited to catch up with them all and find out how they got on. Once I headed back to the start zone it didn’t take me long to bump into some familiar faces, and the best bit… EVERYONE WAS GETTING PBs! I was so happy, proud and excited for everyone, it was such an amazing feeling knowing that I had helped people to achieve their goals, I was literally feeling on top of the world!

The official results were up on the website really quickly, and we were all frantically checking to find out what our official times were, and that is when I found out I had finished 2nd female overall!!  (Once everyone had finished the race I ended up finishing in 3rd position, but still, I’ll take that!) 

One of my favourite stats of the event though was the number of finishers. There were 18,516 people that crossed the line, and almost 11,000 were women!!!! This NEVER happens. Now I do get that it is probably because primarily it is a fundraising event for Cancer Research, but I think its incredible that an event to that scale in London had more female runners, and I just hope it continues to grow and women start doing more and more events!

So overall, I really enjoyed the whole event. As I said at the beginning I always think there is something special about races that take place in Central London, so if you are looking for a fast, fun, well organised 10k next year. I definitely recommend signing up!

Here is a quick summary of my Pros & Cons for the event as a whole.

Pros 

• You get to run around Central London
• Lots of toilets (very important!)
• It’s for a great cause!
• They have giant polar bears & penguins around the course!
• The bling (obvs) 
• A fast course (if that’s your thing!)
• Well organised bag drop (at the start) 
• Fairly priced photos – either £20 or £10 if you pre ordered before the race

Cons

• Unless you are able to get to the front, the start can be a bit of a nightmare, and very busy!
• Bag drop – at the end it was a bit more difficult to get your bags as there was only one entrance to the bag drop, so you did have to wait around for a little bit. Luckily one of the amazing volunteers went and got mine for me!

Entries are now available for the 2020 Winter Run for just £32! To sign up just click here. 

Thank you to Winter Run for gifting me entry for the 2019 event. 

 

 

 

 

I know I might be alone in this, but I personally felt like January FLEW by! It ended with being my highest ever mileage month, new PBs and lots of running adventures along the way! Once again, this week was a bit of a mixed bag… but marathon training isn’t easy (and if anyone ever says it is, they are lying FYI) so I am learning from the hard days and hoping that in the long run it will make me a stronger athlete. Anyway, here’s this week round up!

Week 4 – WC 28th January 2019 

Monday

AM – Easy/Recovery 4 Miles

PM – Steady 7 Miles

Gym – Strength Training 

I will be honest, its week 4 and I am struggling to think of ways to make these sessions sound interesting! I run the same route every week (creature of habit) and follow the same process. Nice easy leg loosener in the morning, steady quicker miles in the evening. I know it isn’t the most exciting, but thats the reality of marathon training sometimes! Doing the same thing week in, week out! Because as I always say… consistency is key!

Tuesday

Track 

I was really looking forward to this session, we were due to this last week but due to the weather we were banned from using the track.. although this week it wasn’t much better! It was FREEZING and shortly after we got started it started to rain and snow (a great combination!) I would like to say this was the reason the session didn’t go to plan, but once again I think I just tried to push a little bit too hard too soon which resulted in me cutting my session short.

We were due to do 3 x 1km reps, 5 x 200m, 3 x 1km – a killer session, and one of those that if you aren’t fully committed to it, it was never going to go well. And unfortunately that is what happened to me! I think my mind gave up before my body, the 1k reps were TOUGH and I was struggling to even run my 5k PB pace, I was feeling more and more deflated after each rep. I somehow managed to pull it back for the 5 x 200m (I do enjoy the speedy stuff!) but by the time the second lot of 3 x 1k came around, I was done. I started the first rep, but I was way off pace and felt like I had nothing. So I stopped. I stood in the rain and sulked for a few minutes. I attempted to rejoin the group but I was done.

I jogged home with a friend, and basically moaned the whole way. Why is it we are so hard on ourselves? He quite rightly reminded me that we had a really tough run on Sunday, and I had a big week, and deep down I knew he was right, but I still couldn’t help but feel disappointed

Wednesday

AM – Easy/Recovery 4 

PM – Steady 7

Gym – Strength Training 

I woke up on Wednesday and made the decision to skip my early morning run, for a couple of reasons. I had LOADS of work to do but also I was trying to listen to my body and respect that I was clearly tired the day before, so why push myself to go out for two runs?!

I spent most of the day sat in front of a laptop screen, but headed out early afternoon for my run. I decided to just take the pressure off completely. No set mileage, no set pace, and just do what the legs wanted to do. And guess what, it felt great! I did my usual route (I could probably run to Clapham with my eyes closed now!) made a new running playlist and just let the miles tick by!

I don’t usually go to the gym on a Wednesday, but a friend messaged and asked if I wanted to go. I was in the mood to just do what I wanted to just did a bit of everything, and felt loads better for it!

Thursday

Steady – 10 Miles

Gym – Strength Training 

I was feeling loads better today, but due to the Winter Run 10k on Sunday I had already made the decision to miss the club hill session, so once again I just set out me, myself and I and just ran what I wanted to run. I will hold my hands up and say there was one reason and one reason only I ran 10 miles… It was the 31st Jan. I was currently on 240 miles for the month. I will let you work it out. #stravawanker

Friday

REST DAY

One day I never skip, rest day!

Saturday 

Parkrun – Herne Hill Harriers Takeover 

To avoid any temptation of going for it at parkrun this weekend, I volunteered to be one of the pacers at Tooting parkrun for our clubs take over! I originally put my name down to pace sub 20 but after a bit of a mixed week I luckily managed to swap to pace a slower time.

I will be honest, the course was in an absolute state! A whole section of path was flooded, and you were left with two choices – 1) really wet feet or 2) getting absolutely caked in mud. And somehow, I managed both! It was freezing and after the first lap my feet were like blocks of ice, I was quite relieved I wasn’t racing today!

I won’t go over it again, but yesterday wasn’t a great mental health day. I emptied my thoughts into a blog post yesterday to try and sum up how I was feeling. Click here if you want to give it a read.

Sunday 

AM – Winter Run 10k

One word – PB!!!!

I am going to do a full race review ASAP (basically once the official photos are out) but to sum up, I couldn’t be happier with how today went, and not just for me, but for lots of my incredible PMGCoaching team! Every single one of them got exactly what they wanted out of the run – whether it was a PB, a post injury comeback or helping a friend achieve their goals! I couldn’t be prouder of them all!!

So once again, it was a bit of a mixed week! But again, it ended better than I imagined! My mileage was slightly lower this week (48 miles) but I think it was what I needed and I hoping this means I will go into next week feeling fresh and ready to go!

Week 4, done! 12 weeks to go!

Jordan xxx

 

We all have them right? Those days where something just doesn’t feel quite right but you can’t put your finger on it? Nothing bad has happened but for some reason you just don’t feel yourself and want to hide yourself away from everything. I am sure that most of you that read this will agree, and if you don’t, then I envy you. Today, for some reason was one of those days. Like I said, I don’t know exactly why, but I knew it was coming, but did I do anything about it to try and stop it happening? Of course I didn’t (this is called being your own worst enemy!).

Now I say I don’t know exactly why, but I have some ideas. I have spoken before about how hard I can be on myself (this has been a horrible trait since I was a child) and when things don’t go 100% right or to plan. I seem to go on a self destruct mission. So what went wrong this week? In the grand scheme of things, nothing. But in my perfectionist brain, a lot;

Training. My training hasn’t gone 100% to plan. I had to cut my session short on Tuesday & I missed one of my runs on Wednesday. I know that deep down its because I had a hard week the week before, and didn’t give myself enough time to recover, and that missing one session isn’t the end of the world. I try to be positive and tell myself I am doing the right things and listening to my body, but then the other voice in my head just tells me that I am failure.

Relationships. Now, I do like to keep some areas of my life private, so I am not going into details about this. But to sum it up, a line has been drawn under a difficult few months, and it hurts. Men, you suck (sorry, not sorry).

Work. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my job and I am so glad I took the plunge to go self employed & set up my coaching business. But, being self employed is hard, and it can also be quite lonely. This week was super busy, which meant that unless I was running, I didn’t really leave the house. Spending day in, day out by yourself can get tough and some days I do miss just the basic social interaction of going into work just to talk to people. I am still so new to this, so I am hoping that I will find the balance to it all soon, because what I have realised is that when I do feel like this, spending a lot of time on your own can make everything feel that little bit worse.

Food. My diet has felt like its been all over the place. I have been very open about this in the past and admitted that last year I became a little too obsessive about the numbers on the scale. Whether it was how much I weighed or how much my food weighed. 99% of the time I am in a much better place with this. I do still weigh out my food, but only to ensure that I am eating enough, rather than restricting myself. But this week, I seem to have lost my way a little bit. And that, on top of my training not going well just builds up the problems in my head.

Then something happened today that hasn’t happened for a long time. I binged. I didn’t go as crazy as I have before, and again I knew it was coming but I couldn’t stop myself going to the cupboard, even thought I knew it would make me feel worse. Bingeing comes in all shapes and sizes. It doesn’t always mean you eat a family size chocolate bar or a share bag of crisps. You just grab what you can and eat it. I don’t keep things like that in my house, because the temptation is too much, but trust me, I will find things to binge on – massive bowls of cereal, spoonfuls of peanut butter, loads of cheese….  so yeah, that happened. BUT I did manage to stop myself before I went too far, and I then took myself out of the situation. I went for a walk into the town centre and distracted myself by walking round Primark for an hour, which obviously meant I spent money too.. whoops.

Racing. Tomorrow is the Winter Run 10k, an event I have been looking forward to for a while, and one which I put out there as one of my goal races for the beginning of the year. I have made no secret about the fact I want to PB, and up until a few days ago, I felt really good about it. Now? Not so much. The missed training sessions, the food, the bingeing, it all adds up and in my head it equals game over. Like I have undone everything over the last year in the last few days. I know it sounds dramatic and even as I am typing this out, I know how ridiculous it sounds. Also, I am not expecting this to really make any sense to anyone, because it doesn’t even really make much sense to me. But perhaps if this is how you feel sometimes, it will make you realise you are not alone.

So yeah, thats pretty much what has been going on in my brain/life the last few days. The weird thing is, overall I am probably the most settled & happy I have been in a long time. But here comes that vicious cycle again, as then it makes me feel guilty that I am feeling like this because of all the other good things in my life… honestly, if I could just turn my brain off sometimes, I would!

I can’t lie, I am nervous about tomorrow, and if the race doesn’t go well, I am worried what affect that will have on my headspace. But, I will just have to cross that bridge & deal with it as best I can if it happens.

But anyway, enough negativity for one evening. Time to eat some pasta, have an early night & hopefully wake up feeling a bit more like my normal self in the morning.

Jordan xxx